


The Star Trek Medical Drabbles Collection

by mandykaysfic



Series: Medical drabbles [1]
Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Drabble Collection, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-31
Updated: 2014-01-31
Packaged: 2018-01-10 16:45:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1162106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandykaysfic/pseuds/mandykaysfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drug companies are still big business in the future. This is a collection of 100 word advertisements found in various journals. There is one section each for TOS, TNG, DS9, VOY & ENT.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Star Trek Medical Drabbles Collection

**Author's Note:**

> The drugs and drug companies referred to within are purely fictitious!

_Spoxine: The Logical Choice_

 

Pfazer-Galaxo Universal Pharmaceuticals is delighted to announce the release of Spoxine.

Spoxine is the result of years of research for a safe, effective treatment for Mott-Kamar-Golwan disease. Our scientists created a unique hybrid medication based on melding the current tri-benzo-ferrous formulation and the still-experimental cupro-oxy-suphidates. Members of the Galactic Pharmaceutical Association may access research data by logging onto the members’ section of the site.

Samples are available by request.

Available in two strengths of single dose hypospray treatments, or in handy tablet form for doctors practicing in low-tech societies.

Spoxine. The logical choice for the treatment of cross-species viral buboes.

END

 

_Droxine: For that Head-in-the-Clouds Feeling_

 

Do you have patients that are unable to meditate, but do need short periods of theta wave activity?

Droxine is the answer.

For that ‘floating away in the clouds’ feeling of peace and tranquility, where nothing matters and all daily cares and concerns may be temporarily switched off, we recommend Droxine.

A single dose will provide twenty minutes of theta wave activity in most species. Ideal for that post-prandial nap. Awake feeling completely refreshed.

Low-dose single shots will be available to the general public from registered outlets. High-dose, multiple treatments may be ordered through our representatives.

Droxine, manufactured by Narcon.

END

 

_Kirkagra: So You Can Rise to Every Occasion_

 

Does your new other-species humanoid partner require you to possess a firm cylinder of erect flesh-like tissue for them to experience the utmost in pleasure?

Has your other-species humanoid partner asked you to put away the artificial sex-aids and ‘do things naturally’?

IMS introduces “Kirkagra”!

Kirkagra is a brand new formula that enables tentacles to achieve tumescence, amebic pseudopods to attain previously unheard of hardness and fronds to feel extra-firm.

If you have the tissue, Kirkagra gets you an erection.

Tablets, sprays or discreet patches available.

Fast-working, lasts for hours.

Try Kirkagra today.

Interspecies Mating Service – we get everyone together!

END

 

_Phloxine: New and Improved_

 

The Intergalactic Dental Association recommends new improved Phloxine Green.

Phloxine Green mouth wash removes odors caused by harmful bacteria. Its gentle foaming action is the result of oxy-hydrogenated micro-particles that react with saliva, or saliva-equivalents, and neutralize those substances not normally found in oral cavities. 

Phloxine Green is available in mint or lime flavors.

Suitable for use with dentine, cementine, baleen, spongine, calcite, silicate and all soft tissues.

The IDA advises its members to urge patients to rinse with Phloxine prior to examination. 

Phloxine Plus is recommended for other toothed orifices.

Only the best in oral hygiene products – OroCare Ltd.

END

 

_Amandaxite: Every Home Should have Some_

 

Are you tired of anxious parents bringing Junior to your surgery with the smallest scrape and expecting you to treat it with your top-of-the range regenerator?

Offer them Amandaxite.

Amandaxite is a colorless antiseptic that changes color on contact with skin. Its unique chemical properties register the stage in the normal healing process and it changes color to match.

Applied twice daily, Junior can watch the colors change and learn basic physiology at the same time. Never deprive children of the joy of picking scabs or poking bruises again. Comes with ten clear adhesive plasters.

Amandaxite: For life’s little boo-boos.

END

 

_Elaanotroius: Increasing Attractiveness in the Unattractive_

 

Do your patients complain they are no longer able to attract members of the opposite sex, same sex, alternate sex or gender-neutral beings?

Are they free from physical and mental conditions that would preclude said attraction?

Petri-Dohlman has the answer - Elaanotroius.

Containing homeopathic strength dilution of dilithium, Elaanotroius chemically stimulates the body’s production of pheromones, thus raising your patient’s attractiveness to anyone with a sense of smell by simulating increased suitability as a potential mate.

Elaanotroius - also suitable for the aged and unattractive.

Disclaimer: will not work where potential partner is already in love with or otherwise lifebonded to another.

END

 

_Quadrotribblecale: A Boost for Any Population_

 

Attention Frontier Medicine Doctors

Is your next appointment that of colony doctor on a newly-settled planet?

Is that colony looking for ways to rapidly increase their small population?

Look no more!

Quadrotribblecale is the latest in fertility drugs, designed specifically for this situation.

Guaranteed to produce multiple live pregnancies each time, Quadrotribblecale-H may be safely prescribed for up to six pregnancies in most humanoid species*.

Dosages may be coded to produce twins, triplets or quadruplets.

Quadrotribblecale-V is available for veterinarian prescription.

*Not compatible with Klingon or Klingon-hybrid genetic material.

Quadrotribblecale – order in bulk from Pfazer-Galaxo Universal, proud manufacturers of Spoxine.

END

 

_Miri-cure: For a More Youthful You_

 

Do you want to look younger?

Fight the seven signs of aging with Miri-cure.

Twice daily applications of Miri-cure will  
*hydrate your skin naturally  
*improve circulation and change that dullness to a healthy, pre-pubescent glow  
*cause fine lines and wrinkles to vanish as collagen production is stimulated  
*shrink visible pores  
*even out that uneven tone  
*smooth out rough texture  
*cause blotches and age spots to disappear

Colorless, odorless and non-greasy, Miri-cure is suitable for all skin types.

Friends will notice the difference and total strangers will put your age at decades younger than it really is.

Miri-cure – by Jahn-Grups Inc.

END

 

_Fizzy Binadol: For When Blood Pressure is High on Wednesdays_

 

Fizzy Binadol - Prescription and Dosage regime information:

 

When sciatica radiates distal to the knee joint, take two blue tablets at 4pm.

When your blood pressure is high on Wednesdays, administer one full hypospray canister, unless it is winter, in which case the dosage is halved.

Crush two white tablets for herpes simplex on the top lip, but swallow one green tablet with Kronk if the diagnosis is herpes complex.

Use only as directed. If symptoms persist, swallow all the red tablets on Monday when the moon is full.

Fizzy Binadol: For symptoms which defy diagnosis

Oxmyx & Krako Ltd. 

END

 

_Cratertrapsium: For When Salt Cravings Drive You to Murder_

 

For reasons pertaining to good health, has your medical practitioner told you to cut down on salt in your diet? Does salt depletion drive you crazy? Would you commit murder when your body salts are at less than optimal levels? 

Darnell-Green has the answer - Cratertrapsium.

These plum-colored tablets dissolve on the tongue, providing you with that taste of salty goodness. Calorie and cholesterol free.  
Achieve that delicate balance between your salt levels and your bland diet without sending your blood pressure sky high.

Recommended daily intake is one tablet per meal.

Try Cratertrapsium today.

END

 

_Denevatona: Annihilate Intractable Pain for Good._

 

Doctors, are you after the latest way to annihilate pain?

Pfazer-Galaxo Universal is proud to announce the release of Denevatona.

For use exclusively in cases of intractable pain, Denevatona comes in the form of self-adhesive patches that have each been embedded with light-emitting crystals. Eight years of meticulous research has determined the exact frequencies, including ultraviolet, which inhibit the pain centres in the brains of most species.

Watch them suffer no longer. Kills strong pain quickly.

Denevatona; for your peace of mind as well as theirs.

(Patches sized and shaped for all body parts)

Phazer-Galaxo Universal - proud manufactures of Spoxine

Your doctor will approve.

END

 

_Omicron Cetisporium: Unleash the Inner You_

 

Do you have trouble relaxing?  
Do your friends and loved ones complain about your dedication to work?

Never have the accusation of being dull thrown at you again.

Omicron Cetisporium, manufactured by Pfazer-Galaxo Universal, unlocks your limbic system and allows you to express your repressed emotions.

A discreet nasal spray delivers a precisely calibrated dose that enters the blood stream immediately and takes effect within thirty seconds. For four hours you will find it simple to tell those around you how you really feel.

One simple spray will spice up your life right now.

Omicron Cetisporium - unleash the inner you!

END

 

_Omicron Cetisporium: Urgent Recall Notice_

 

**Recall notice.**

Phazer-Galaxo Universal has issued an urgent recall notice for all stocks of Omicron Cetisporium.

Authorities have traced the origin of ‘Leilakalomi’, the latest in a long line of illegal date rape drugs, to Omicron Cetisporum. Exposing it to Berthold rays alters the composition and a different area of the brain is targeted, rendering the user unable to exert free will.

Seventy-two cartons of nasal spray, advertised to ‘unleash the inner you’, were stolen two weeks ago and are now linked to the events that occurred on Stardate 3417.3. 

Doctors and pharmacists are urged to contact Phazer-Galaxo Universal immediately.

END 

 

_Omicron Cetisporium: We’re Here For You._

 

Do you believe your free will has been compromised?  
Have you been at a party the night before but find yourself unable to recall giving permission for certain events?  
Did you wake up sore in places you weren’t expecting to?  
Do you have an emotional stress disorder following an incident in which you were an unknowing participant?

Do you believe you have been a victim of Leilakalomi?

Merrick, Tracey & Galt, Intergalactic Lawyers are here to help you.

A class action is being launched against Phazer-Galaxo Universal, manufacturers of Omicron Cetisporium. 

Remember our motto - no win, no fee. Call today.

END


End file.
